Smoking…again.

hand-with-a-cigaretteWell, I fell off the wagon.  2 months, 1 week, no cigarettes, and I was having panic attacks.

Physical symptoms: physiological symptoms of suffocation, hyperventilation and uncontrollable sobbing.

Yes, I needed a cigarette.  Something.  Anything.  Just a little something to take the edge off.  So, I broke down and bought a pack of clove cigarettes.  And sucked them down like my life depended on it. Sigh.

I need to figure out a way to get through this stress feeling without a cigarette, to get through this panicked feeling without a cigarette.

I am not – I repeat NOT – going to beat myself up.  Between the high levels of stress I am feeling- work wise, in my personal life and world wise, I will be kind to myself and say: “well there, young lady, you are not perfect.”

I am also NOT thinking that I am back smoking.  This is a temporary band aid until I can get a hold of my anxiety.

No wonder I smoked for as long as I did.  I have anxiety issues that have been masked by smoking for 26 years.

So, for today, I will smoke.  Because tomorrow, I will begin to deal with the root issues of smoking and anxiety.  The smoking is anxiety based reactions.  I can’t live with feeling like I’m being suffocated.  I can’t function in panic.  I need to be clear headed, especially now, with all that I do in my work life, and the personal-life stress I am experiencing.

I will – I repeat – I will be kind to myself now.

And, I still HATE CIGARETTES.

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One thought on “Smoking…again.

  1. hang in there, Meredith. It is sooooooooo hard to sit with the feelings – whatever they may be.

    Glad to hear you’re not beating yourself up.

    Have a fantastic vacation.

    J

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