Physical symptoms: physiological symptoms of suffocation, hyperventilation and uncontrollable sobbing.
Yes, I needed a cigarette. Something. Anything. Just a little something to take the edge off. So, I broke down and bought a pack of clove cigarettes. And sucked them down like my life depended on it. Sigh.
I need to figure out a way to get through this stress feeling without a cigarette, to get through this panicked feeling without a cigarette.
I am not – I repeat NOT – going to beat myself up. Between the high levels of stress I am feeling- work wise, in my personal life and world wise, I will be kind to myself and say: “well there, young lady, you are not perfect.”
I am also NOT thinking that I am back smoking. This is a temporary band aid until I can get a hold of my anxiety.
No wonder I smoked for as long as I did. I have anxiety issues that have been masked by smoking for 26 years.
So, for today, I will smoke. Because tomorrow, I will begin to deal with the root issues of smoking and anxiety. The smoking is anxiety based reactions. I can’t live with feeling like I’m being suffocated. I can’t function in panic. I need to be clear headed, especially now, with all that I do in my work life, and the personal-life stress I am experiencing.
I will – I repeat – I will be kind to myself now.
And, I still HATE CIGARETTES.